Presumptuous title, right? Well, before you get too offended, please note that I wrote “we.” And on behalf of the casts and crews who undoubtedly put enormous amounts of hard work into creating these shows, know that I say “garbage” with a healthy measure of levity and jest. For no matter how bad a show is, there are still many people who care a lot about it, both on screen and off—the bulk of which being, of course, its viewers. Viewers like you and me.
What I’m talking about are the types of shows that don’t require as much brain power as others, that don’t make us care who lives or dies (if it’s that kind of show), or that we just love to hate… I think if we’re being honest, we can all admit that we like some outlandish melodrama every now and again, lingering at the water cooler that is our television set. If nothing else, watching these “garbage” shows makes us appreciate good shows, or at least affords us the opportunity to unwind, in ways that tense crime dramas or complex sci-fi mysteries do not. It’s just a matter of watching what happens and delighting in the frivolity.
Nevertheless, these shows deserve some credit. Because ultimately—what it all comes down to is—we wouldn’t watch it if we didn’t like it. It’s not an accident, after all, that our fingers would navigate to that show via laptop or TV remote or (god forbid) smartphone, when a whole world of other, objectively better, shows exist. You have to choose it. And to choose it, to knowingly and purposefully watch it, you must admit that on some level, you like it.
So let’s get into it—the reasons we watch “bad” TV:
Reason #1: Just for Funsies
Example: Legend of the Seeker
Far and wide, this has to be the most common reason we watch “bad” TV. I will be the first to admit that, objectively speaking, LotS is not a good show. At best, it is a run-of-the-mill action/adventure/fantasy procedural, with laughable CGI (on par with BBC/Syfy’s Merlin), melodramatic turns (He’s Zed’s grandson! He’s a wizard! He’s a Rahl!), and shall we say liberal use of slo-mo. But damn it if I can’t recite every line of Cara’s dactylic tetrameter poem from season 2’s “Princess” episode.
This show is just fun. Fun to make fun of, sure, but also fun to watch. Each episode utilizes blatant stalling tactics in the face of the overarching plot, with the cast alternately falling victim to body swaps, hallucinations, and enchantments, such that maybe four (?) total episodes are actually devoted to defeating Darken Rahl and/or finding the Stone of Tears. Richard’s quest to liberate the Midlands, encountering people-in-need obstacles at every turn, basically makes this a medieval Burn Notice. But each time an unexpected burst of Zed’s Wizard’s Fire saves the day; each time Richard comes flying down in slow motion on a D'Haran soldier, bearing the Sword of Truth; each time Kahlan pulls the “Mother Confessor” card or Cara makes a snide remark; I’m instantly reminded of why I love this show.
LotS isn’t meant to be an arduous trek to D'Hara; it’s a funny, light-hearted, good-triumphs-over-evil type show, where kindness and compassion can sway even the most vile of characters (and if not, they are banished to a very literal hell). And if that message has to come with some level of campiness, I’m okay with that. To be a devoted viewer of this show, you can’t be in it for the plot (spoiler alert: Team Seeker always triumphs), the will-they-won’t-they romance (Richard and Kahlan 4ever), or the oft-times overly revealing costumes. None of that fosters a genuine love of, or loyalty to, this show (and those like it). You have to be in it for the shenanigans.
Reason #2: Better than Nothing
Example: Stitchers
Sometimes you watch a show just because you happened upon it one day, and now it’s somehow easier to keep watching than stop (much like with bad movies). Picture a fish that doesn’t bother to fight the line pulling at the hook in its lip, and you’ll get the idea. You tell yourself it’s just a background show, something to fill the void between seasons of series more worthy of your attention. It could also be that the sunken time theory is coming into play. But I tend to think there’s something more going on, some other attachment that compels you to tune in every week. The worst case of this for me was Stitchers.
If I really think about it, my attachment to this show was threefold: 1. The female lead excelled at computer science, a field in which real women are underrepresented, so I had to admire that character choice. 2. I must admit I was legitimately interested in its origin story/plot-at-large; like Castle, it had one mysterious, compelling through-line in the case of Kirsten’s parents’ deaths/disappearances, but it would only return to those storylines at the very end of each season, meaning I had to sit through the supremely un-Castle-like regular season and wait for any developments. 3. You know how sometimes you can get a little obsessed, for no particular reason, with a character, such that you follow said character to the next stop in their career, no questions asked? Well, after forming an inexplicable love for Allison Scagliotti’s wise-cracking, bad-ass-wannabe Claudia on Warehouse 13, I followed her to her next subpar project—Stitchers. The good news for me was that Scagliotti essentially played the same character—sarcastic, smart, and walled off to any emotional vulnerabilities. The bad news was…everything else.
More than anything, Stitchers is a prime example of scriptwriters phoning it in. Characters would change their minds (not to mention morals, traits, and medical conditions) on a whim, and somewhere in between Kirsten’s unrelenting brusqueness and disrespect for authority, Maggie’s pointless attempts to keep secrets from her team, and Cameron’s good-heartedness and not much else (unless you count “the hair”), the show somehow becomes less than the sum of its parts. But sure enough, once I’d checked all other shows off my week’s watchlist, I would return to this blah-fest, knowing full well that it embodied the absolute bare minimum quality that could keep my attention—that its good elements just ever so slightly outweighed all the bad—and weakly hoped for it to improve. I mean, thank god this show finally got cancelled, because if not, I’m fairly certain I would have continued watching until the end of the earth.
Other shows, like LotS, can embrace their campiness, clichéd-ness, or all-around silliness and/or wackiness, and thus attract the appropriate, appreciative audiences. Stitchers, however, took itself too seriously, thinking it was better than it really was. It hooked me, I admit, but only insofar as I like to see through the things that I have started (not to mention that this was a great procrastination tool in the face of other unappealing tasks). One-dimensional characters, sigh-inducing scripts, and lackluster plots are all reasons this show finally failed. But I maintain that the criminal underuse of Scagliotti was to blame.
Reason #3: Peer Pressure / Love to Hate
Example: The Vampire Diaries
Then there are shows you watch because 1) everyone’s doing it, or in some cases, 2) your one friend who shares your taste in TV is, and you love to discuss it (not to mention pull it apart) together. That was the case with (the hilariously abbreviated) VD for me. Normally, I try to stay away from the angsty, melodramatic teen dramas, but the mere presence of an anti-Twilight joke written into the pilot got me started on this ridiculous vampire soap opera, the most blatant attempt to cash in on the supernatural romance genre that I have yet witnessed.
But witness it I did. Each week promised an irresistible answer to “what over-the-top betrayal/revelation/death is going to shatter the cast members’ lives today?” and you better believe I tuned in to find out. Like a meal that covers your face and hands with sauce but has a taste too good to quit, VD knew how to make us overindulge. I mean, forget the Damon/Stefan/Elena love triangle (and all the other love triangles, for that matter). At first, it was just too much fun to watch a series that called its villains “the biggest and baddest” vampires/hunters/witches/what-have-you ever to have existed, then shamelessly repeat those claims come next season, when a new antagonist sauntered into town. Then, it became all about keeping track of which Mystic Falls inhabitants hadn’t been turned into vampires, werewolves, or witches, or at least hadn’t been brought back magically from death (my chips were always on you, Matt). And at the end (which for me was season 4, as even I have my limits), you were doing well if you could just keep track of which person’s centuries-old doppelgänger was hell-bent on killing who’s vampire-turned-human’s recently resurrected brother.
Truthfully, the most enjoyment I got out of watching VD was in exchanging a collection of reactions online with a friend, essentially live-tweeting its juicy, juicy nonsense. In these shared reactions to everything from plot twists to love triangles, we inhabited the appropriate space between playfully amused and legitimately engaged; from basking in the glory of predicting a plot twist to picking apart the script to confessing the occasional “I can't say TVD was worth every minute of my life I've given to it... but almost,” we fluctuated between frustration, amusement, and cynicism on behalf of this series. Needless to say, words of love and hate were thrown about with undeniable (but not unearned) passion.
Some winners from our years-long dialogue...(I can't resist):
I don’t think there is any character left on this show who hasn’t died and come back to life.
If it’s a ritual that requires blood, it’s NOT GOOD. The people on this show never ever ever ever learn anything.
So if a vampire bites another vampire, that vampire will faint. Good to know.
I DON’T CARE about Alaric’s love life.
His misunderstood daddy-complex I’m-really-a-sensitive-painter thing is not at all convincing. Or maybe that’s just bad acting. Wait, no! That could never happen on the CW!
Oh my god, do I not care and NOT want to watch Elena pretending she doesn't care and Damon being an ass about it, and Stefan stepping in, and Elena crying because she loves too many people, and Damon being sad on the inside.
Is all they do in that town throw parties and threaten to kill people?
Oh I am very excited for the next one.
In the end, all that matters—all that determines whether we keep watching—is whether the elements we like outweigh those we don’t. It’s the same reason we stick with initially good shows that have become stale (ahem, The Blacklist). It can be a slim margin, and it can be a seemingly unexplainable one. The "quality" dramas can laud their well-deserved cinematography, acting, plotting, etc., until all the trophies have been awarded. (After all, the only insight into the human condition that viewers of "garbage" TV can expect to gain is the fact that we’re drawn to drama.) But whether it’s fun quasi-campiness, extraneous selling points, or a real-world social activity, these not-so-guilty pleasures provide something for us that the high-production-value, primetime serial dramas cannot.
So the next time you watch one of these types of shows, you can say it with me:
“I can’t believe I watch this…and that I have to wait a week for the next episode.”
*My example shows were by no means exclusive. I suppose everyone has her own "absolute bare minimum quality" level, but here are some honorable mentions from my past...and present: The Secret Circle, Hart of Dixie, Bitten, and Van Helsing.
*In writing this, I have learned that Allison Scagliotti guest starred in season 8 of VD, so I may have to go back and watch it after all...